joiced to call him so. I had, however, even at that time, no thoughts of learning doctrinal truth from him, and was ashamed to be detected in his company: but I sometimes stole a way to spend an hour with him. About the same period, I once heard him preach; but still it was foolishness to me, his sermon being principally upon the believer's experience, in some particulars with which I was unacquainted: so that though I loved and valued him, I considered him as a person misled by enthusiastical notions; and strenuously insisted that we should never think alike till we met in heaven.

All along in the progress of this enquiry, I grew more and more concerned about my charac

I saw myself continually verging nearer and nearer to that scheme of doctrine, which the world calls Methodism; nor could I help it without doing violence to my convictions. I had indeed set out with the avowed, and I trust sincere, resolution of seeking the truth as impartially as possible; and of embracing it wherever I might find it, without respect to interest, reputation, or any worldly consideration whatever. I had taken patiently, and sustained comfortably, the loss of my opening prospect of preferment, I trust chiefly from the supports of grace, and the consciousness of having acted with integrity; but I am not sure but my deceitful heart might also derive some support, from a vain imagination that my character

:

would be no loser. Ambitious thirst after the praise of men was much more my peculiar corruption than covetousness: and I had been in no ordinary degree proud of my natural understanding. I had been accustomed to hear the people called Methodists mentioned with contempt, as ignorant and deluded, as fools; and sometimes as madmen and with no small degree of complacency and self-preference, I too had despised them as weak enthusiasts. But I now began to be apprehensive, that the tables were about to be turned upon me. If I professed and taught these doctrines, I must no longer be considered as a man of sober understanding: but as one of those persons, whose heads, being naturally weak, had been turned by religious studies; and who, having fallen under the power of enthusiasm, had become no better than fools or madmen.

This was the sharpest trial I passed through: for I had not yet learned, that "when we are re"proached for the name of Christ, happy are "we." Nor did I.remember, with due consideration of the reasons assignable for so extraordinary a circumstance, that the apostles were "fools for Christ's sake;" were deemed were deemed "beside "themselves;" and went " through evil report " and good report, as deceivers, and yet true; that they were " every where spoken against," as "the men that turned the world upside down; were treated as "vain bablers," and "accounted

"the filth of the world, and the offscouring of "all things." I did not consider that Jesus himself," the Brightness of the Father's glory," the "Word and Wisdom of God," who, "went "about doing good," and "spake as never man "spake," was not only rejected, but despised as not worth hearing, as "one that had a devil," as in league with the devil, as "a blasphemer,” a Samaritan," "a madman," yea, "a devil.”

66

I read indeed, but my understanding was not yet opened to understand, such plain Scriptures as these, "If ye were of the world, the world would "love his own; but because ye are not of the "world, but I have chosen you out of the world,

66

66

therefore the world hateth you. Remember "the word that I said unto you: The servant is "not greater than his Lord; if they have perse"cuted me, they will also persecute you." (John xv. 19, 20.) "The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his Lord. If they "have called the master of the house Beelzebub, "how much more shall they call them of the "household?" (Matt. x. 24, 25.) Blessed are 66 ye when men shall revile you, and perseand shall say all manner of evil against

66

cute you,

you falsely, for my sake.

"ceeding glad, for great is

Rejoice, and be ex

your reward in-hea

(Matt. v. 11, 12.)

ven; for so persecuted they the prophets that

were before you."

Not

being aware of these consequences when my re

solution was first formed, I was as one who has begun to build without counting the cost, and was greatly disturbed when I saw the favourite idol of my proud heart, my character, in such imminent danger.

It must be supposed that this apprehension would make me cautious what doctrines I admitted into my creed; and unwilling to be convinced that those things were true and important, the profession of which was sure to bring infamy on my character: and that even after the fullest conviction, I should thus be rendered very careful in what manner I preached them. In general, however, though the conflict was sharp, I was enabled to be faithful. The words "Necessity "is laid upon me; yea, woe is me if I preach

not the gospel," were commonly upon my mind when I wrote my sermon, and when I entered the pulpit: and though, when a bold declaration of what I believed to be the truth, with an offensive application of it to the consciences of my hearers, drew opposition and calumny upon me, I have secretly resolved to be more circumspect the next time; yet, when that time came, my heart and conscience being both engaged, I dared not to conceal one tittle of what appeared to me to be true, and to promise usefulness. But while, with perturbation of mind, and with many disquieting apprehensions, I declared the message with which I supposed myself to be

entrusted; to screen myself from the charge of Methodism and to soften the offence, I was frequently throwing out slighting expressions, and bringing the charge of entliusiasm, against those who preached such doctrines as I was not yet convinced of. On the other hand, my concern about my character quickened me very much in prayer, and increased my diligence in searching the Scriptures, that I might be sure I was not, at this expence, preaching cunningly devised fa"bles," instead of feeding the souls committed to my care with the unadulterated milk of evangelical truth.

66

In this state of mind, which is more easily understood by experience than description, I met with Mr. Venn's Essay on the Prophecy of Zacharias, (Luke i. 67-79.) I was no stranger to the character he bore in the world, and did not begin to read his book with great alacrity or expectation: however, the interesting subjects treated of engaged my attention, and I read it with great seriousness, and some degree of impartiality. I disapproved indeed of many things: but the truth and importance of others brought conviction both to my understanding and my conscience; especially I found a word in season, respecting my foolish and wicked shame and attention to character, in enquiring after divine truth, and in the performance of the important duties of a christian minister. These solemn words in particular came home to my