Billeder på siden
PDF
ePub
[ocr errors]

that dealt for him would talk much of my lord's | hereafter. But the lord treasurer said, Why, I friends, and of his enemies, answered to one of them, pray you, if you had lost your purse by the way, "I will tell you, I know but one friend and one would you look forwards, or would you look back? enemy my lord hath, and that one friend is the The queen hath lost her purse." queen, and that one enemy is himself."

22. The book for deposing king Richard the second, and the coming in of Henry the fourth, supposed to be written by Dr. Hayward, who was committed to the Tower for it, had much incensed queen Elizabeth; and she asked Mr. Bacon, being then of her counsel learned, "Whether there were any treason contained in it?" Who intending to do him a pleasure, and to take off the queen's bitterness with a merry conceit, answered, No, Madam, for treason I cannot deliver an opinion that there is any, but very much felony." The queen, apprehending it gladly, asked, "How? and wherein ?" Mr. Bacon answered, "Because he had stolen many of his sentences and conceits out of Cornelius Tacitus."

23. Queen Elizabeth being to resolve upon a great officer, and being by some, that canvassed for others, put in some doubt of that person whom she meant to advance, called for Mr. Bacon, and told him, "She was like one with a lanthorn seeking a man;" and seemed unsatisfied in the choice she had of a man for that place. Mr. Bacon answered her, "That he had heard that in old time there was usually painted on the church walls the day of doom, and God sitting in judgment, and St. Michael by him, with a pair of balances; and the soul and the good deeds in the one balance, and the faults and the evil deeds in the other: and the soul's balance went up far too light. Then was our lady painted with a great pair of beads, who cast them into the light balance, and brought down the scale: so, he said, place and authority, which were in her majesty's hands to give, were like our lady's beads, which though men, through any imperfections, were too light before, yet when they were cast in, made weight competent."

24. Queen Elizabeth was dilatory enough in suits, of her own nature; and the lord treasurer Burleigh being a wise man, and willing therein to feed her humour, would say to her; "Madam, you do well to let suitors stay; for I shall tell you, bis dat, qui cito dat;' if you grant them speedily, they will come again the sooner."

25. Sir Nicholas Bacon, who was keeper of the great seal of England, when queen Elizabeth in her progress came to his house at Gorhambury, and said to him, "My lord, what a little house have you gotten!" answered her, "Madam, my house is well, but it is you that have made me too great for my house."

[ocr errors][ocr errors]

27. The lord keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was asked his opinion by my lord of Leicester concerning two persons whom the queen seemed to think well of: "By my troth, my lord, said he, the one is a grave counsellor; the other is a proper young man; and so he will be as long as he lives."

28. My lord of Leicester, favourite to queen Elizabeth, was making a large chace about Cornbury-park; meaning to enclose with posts and rails; and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to. Mr. Goldingham, a free spoken man, stood by, and said to my lord, "Methinks your lordship goeth not the cheapest way to work." Why, Goldingham ?" said my lord. Marry, my lord," said Goldingham, "count you but upon the posts, for the country will find you railing."

66

66

29. The lord keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was asked his opinion by queen Elizabeth of one of these monopoly licences? And he answered, "Madam, will you have me speak the truth? Licentia omnes deteriores sumus." We are all the worse for licences.

30. My lord of Essex, at the succour of Roan, made twenty-four knights, which at that time was a great number. Divers of those gentlemen were of weak and small means; which when queen Elizabeth heard, she said, My lord might have done well to have built his alms-house, before he made his knights."

66

31. The deputies of the reformed religion, after the massacre which was at Paris upon St. Bartholomew's day, treated with the king and queen-mother, and some other of the council, for a peace. Both sides were agreed upon the articles. The question was, upon the security for the performance. After some particulars propounded and rejected, the queenmother said, "Why, is not the word of a king sufficient security ?" One of the deputies answered, No, by St. Bartholomew, Madam."

66

32. There was a French gentleman speaking with an English, of the law Salique; that women were excluded from inheriting the crown of France. The English said, “Yes; but that was meant of the women themselves, not of such males as claimed by women." The French gentleman said, "Where do you find that gloss?" The English answered, " I'll tell you, Sir: look on the backside of the record of the law Salique, and there you shall find it indorsed:" implying there was no such thing as the law Salique, but that it is a mere fiction.

33. A friar of France, being in an earnest dispute about the law Salique, would needs prove it by Scripture; citing that verse of the Gospel; " Lilia agri non laborant neque nent:" the lilies of the field do neither labour nor spin; applying it thus: That the flower-de-luces of France cannot descend, neither to the distaff, nor to the spade: that is, not to a woman, nor to a peasant.

26. There was a conference in parliament between the lords' house and the house of commons, about a bill of accountants, which came down from the lords to the commons; which bill prayed, That the lands of accountants, whereof they were seized when they entered upon their office, might be liable to their arrears to the queen. But the commons desired, That the bill might not look back to accountants 34. When peace was renewed with the French in that were already, but extend only to accountants | England, divers of the great counsellors were pre

chamber, "that they were like witches, they could do no hurt, but they could do no good."

sented from the French with jewels: the lord Henry | ladies of queen Elizabeth's privy-chamber and bedHoward, being then earl of Northampton, and a counsellor, was omitted. Whereupon the king said to him, "My lord, how happens it that you have not a jewel as well the rest?" My lord answered, according to the fable in Æsop; "Non sum Gallus, itaque non reperi gemmam."

35. The same earl of Northampton, then lord privy seal, was asked by king James, openly at the table, where commonly he entertained the king with discourse; the king asked him upon the sudden, "My lord, have you not a desire to see Rome ?" My lord privy seal answered, "Yes indeed, Sir." The king said, "And why?" My lord answered, "Because, if it please your majesty, it was the seat of the greatest monarchy, and the seminary of the bravest men of the world, whilst it was heathen: and then, secondly, because afterwards it was the see of so many holy bishops in the primitive church, most of them martyrs." The king would not give it over, but said, " And for nothing else ?" My lord | answered, "Yes, if it please your majesty, for two things more: the one, to see him, who, they say, hath so great power to forgive other men their sins, to confess his own sins upon his knees before a chaplain or priest: and the other, to hear antichrist say his creed."

36. Sir Nicholas Bacon being appointed a judge for the northern circuit, and having brought his trials that came before him to such a pass, as the passing of sentence on malefactors, he was by one of the malefactors mightily importuned for to save his life; which when nothing that he had said did avail, he at length desired his mercy on account of kindred. "Prithee," said my lord judge, "how came that in ?" "Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog, and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred, that they are not to be separated." “Ay, but," replied judge Bacon, "you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged; for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged."

37. Two scholars and a countryman travelling upon the road, one night lodged all in one inn, and supped together, where the scholars thought to have put a trick upon the countryman, which was thus: the scholars appointed for supper two pigeons, and a fat capon, which being ready was brought up, and they having set down, the one scholar took up one pigeon, the other scholar took the other pigeon, thinking thereby that the countryman should have sat still, until that they were ready for the carving of the capon; which he perceiving, took the capon and laid it on his trencher, and thus said, Daintily contrived, every man a bird."

66

38. Jack Roberts was desired by his tailor, when the reckoning grew somewhat high, to have a bill of his hand. Roberts said, "I am content, but you must let no man know it." When the tailor brought him the bill, he tore it as in choler, and said to him, "You use me not well; you promised me that no man should know it, and here you have put in, 'Be it known unto all men by these presents.'

39. Sir Walter Raleigh was wont to say of the

40. There was a minister deprived for inconformity, who said to some of his friends, "that if they deprived him, it should cost a hundred men's lives." The party understood it, as if, being a turbulent fellow, he would have moved sedition, and complained of him; whereupon being convented and apposed upon that speech, he said his meaning was, "that if he lost his benefice, he would practise physic, and then he thought he should kill a hundred men in time."

41. Secretary Bourn's son kept a gentleman's wife in Shropshire, who lived from her husband, with him: when he was weary of her, he caused her husband to be dealt with to take her home, and offered him five hundred pounds for reparation: the gentleman went to Sir H. Sidney to take his advice upon this offer, telling him, "that his wife promised now a new life; and, to tell him truth, five hundred pounds would come well with him; and besides, that sometimes he wanted a woman in his bed." "By my troth," said Sir Henry Sidney, "take her home, and take the money: then whereas other cuckolds wear their horns plain, you may wear yours gilt."

42. When Rabelais, the great jester of France, lay on his death-bed, and they gave him the extreme unction, a familiar friend came to him afterwards, and asked him how he did? Rabelais answered, "Even going my journey, they have greased my boots already."

43. Mr. Bromley, solicitor, giving in evidence for a deed, which was impeached to be fraudulent, was urged by the counsel on the other side with his presumption, That in two former suits, when title was made, that deed was passed over in silence, and some other conveyance stood upon. Mr. Justice Catline taking in with that side asked the solicitor, "I pray thee, Mr. Solicitor, let me ask you a familiar question; I have two geldings in my stable; I have divers times business of importance, and still I send forth one of my geldings, and not the other; would you not think I set him aside for a jade ?" "No, my lord," said Bromley, "I would think you spared him for your own saddle."

44. Thales, as he looked upon the stars, fell towards water; whereupon it was after said, "that if he had looked into the water he might have seen the stars, but looking up to the stars he could not see the water."

45. A man and his wife in bed together, she towards morning pretended herself to be ill at ease, desiring to lie on her husband's side; so the good man, to please her, came over her, making some short stay in his passage over; where she had not long lain, but desired to lie in her old place again: quoth he, "How can it be effected ?" She answered, "Come over me again." "I had rather," said he, go a mile and a half about."

[ocr errors]

46. A thief being arraigned at the bar for stealing a mare, in his pleading urged many things in his own behalf, and at last nothing availing, he told the

bench, the mare rather stole him, than he the mare; which in brief he thus related: That passing over several grounds about his lawful occasions, he was pursued close by a fierce mastiff dog, and so was forced to save himself by leaping over a hedge, which being of an agile body he effected; and in leaping, a mare standing on the other side of the hedge, leaped upon her back, who running furiously away with him, he could not by any means stop her, until he came to the next town, in which town the owner of the mare lived, and there was he taken, and here arraigned.

47. Master Mason of Trinity college sent his pupil to another of the fellows, to borrow a book of him, who told him, "I am loth to lend my books out of my chamber, but if it please thy tutor to come and read upon it in my chamber, he shall as long as he will." It was winter, and some days after the same fellow sent to Mr. Mason to borrow his bellows; but Mr. Mason said to his pupil, "I am loth to lend my bellows out of my chamber, but if thy tutor would come and blow the fire in my chamber, he shall as long as he will."

48. A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading he took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, "I charge you in the king's name, to seize and take away that man (meaning the judge) | in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him."

49. In Flanders by accident a Flemish tiler fell from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, and killed him, though he escaped himself: the next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence, and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him but lex talionis: whereupon the judge said to him, " that if he did urge that sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top of the house, and then fall down upon the tiler."

50. A rough-hewn seaman, being brought before a wise just-ass for some misdemeanour, was by him sent away to prison, and being somewhat refractory after he heard his doom, insomuch as he would not stir a foot from the place where he stood, saying, "it were better to stand where he was than go to a worse place:" the justice thereupon, to show the strength of his learning, took him by the shoulder, and said, “Thou shalt go nogus vogus," instead of nolens volens.

51. Francis the first of France used for his pleasure sometimes to go disguised: so walking one day in the company of the cardinal of Bourbon near Paris, he met with a peasant with a new pair of shoes upon his arm: so he called unto him and said; "By our lady, these be good shoes, what did they cost thee?" The peasant said, "Guess." The king said, "I think some five sols." Saith the peasant, "You have lied; but a carlois." "What, villain," said the cardinal of Bourbon, "thou art dead, it is the king." The peasant replied; "The devil take him of you and me, that knew so much." 52. There was a young man in Rome that was very like Augustus Cæsar; Augustus took knowledge of him, and sent for the man, and asked him,

|

[blocks in formation]

53. A physician advised his patient that had sore eyes, that he should abstain from wine; but the patient said, "I think, rather, Sir, from wine and water; for I have often marked it in blue eyes, and I have seen water come forth, but never wine."

54. A debauched seaman being brought before a justice of the peace upon the account of swearing, was by the justice commanded to deposit his fine in that behalf provided, which was two shillings; he thereupon plucking out of his pocket half a crown, asked the justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing; the justice told him six-pence; quoth he, "Then a pox take you all for a company of knaves and fools, and there's half a crown for you, I will never stand changing of money."

55. Augustus Cæsar was invited to supper by one of his old friends, that had conversed with him in his less fortunes, and had but ordinary entertainment; whereupon at his going away, he said, “I did not know that you and I were so familiar."

56. Agathocles, after he had taken Syracuse, the men whereof, during the siege, had in a bravery spoken of him all the villany that might be, sold the Syracusans for slaves, and said; "Now if you use such words of me, I will tell your masters of you."

57. Dionysius the elder, when he saw his son in many things very inordinate, said to him, "Did you ever know me do such things?" His son answered, No, but you had not a tyrant to your father." The father replied, "No, nor you, if you take these courses, will have a tyrant to your son."

[ocr errors]

58. Callisthenes, the philosopher, that followed Alexander's court, and hated the king, being asked by one, how one should become the famousest man in the world, answered, "By taking away him that is."

59. Agesilaus, when one told him there was one did excellently counterfeit a nightingale, and would have had him hear him, said; "Why I have heard the nightingale herself."

60. A great nobleman, upon the complaint of a servant of his, laid a citizen by the heels, thinking to bend him to his servant's desire; but the fellow being stubborn, the servant came to his lord, and told him, "Your lordship, I know, hath gone as far as well you may, but it works not; for yonder fellow is more perverse than before." Said my lord, "Let's forget him a while, and then he will remember himself."

61. One came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him, that he had brought his lordship a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by the way. Saith the cardinal to him, " I'll tell thee what thou shalt do; go to such a cardinal, and such a cardinal," naming him half a dozen cardinals, and tell them as much; and so whereas by thy horse, if he had been sound, thou couldest have pleased but one, with thy lame horse thou mayest please half a dozen."

62. A witty rogue coming into a lace-shop, said, he had occasion for some lace; choice whereof being showed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them, how much they would have

for so much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for. They told him, for so much: : so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure on his own head, thus saying; "One ear is here, and the other is nailed to the pillory in Bristol, and I fear you have not so much of this lace by you at present as will perfect my bargain; therefore this piece of lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, and provide the rest with all expedition."

63. Iphicrates the Athenian, in a treaty that he had with the Lacedæmonians for peace, in which question was about security for observing the same, said, "The Athenians would not accept of any security, except the Lacedæmonians did yield up unto them those things, whereby it might be manifest, that they could not hurt them if they would." 64. Euripides would say of persons that were beautiful, and yet in some years, "In fairest bodies not only the spring is pleasant, but also the autumn." 65. There was a captain sent to an exploit by his general with forces that were not likely to achieve the enterprise; the captain said to him, “Sir, appoint but half so many." "Why ?" saith the general. The captain answered, " Because it is better fewer die than more."

66. There was a harbinger who had lodged a gentleman in a very ill room, who expostulated with him somewhat rudely; but the harbinger carelessly said; "You will take pleasure in it when you are out of it."

67. There is a Spanish adage, "Love without end hath no end:" meaning, that if it were begun not upon particular ends it would last.

68. A woman being suspected by her husband for dishonesty, and being by him at last pressed very hard about it, made him quick answer with many protestations," that she knew no more of what he said than the man in the moon." Now the captain of the ship called the Moon was the very man she so much loved.

69. Demosthenes when he fled from the battle, and that it was reproached to him, said, "that he that flies might fight again."

70. Gonsalvo would say, "The honour of a soldier ought to be of a strong web;" meaning, that it should not be so fine and curious, that every little disgrace should catch and stick in it.

71. An apprentice of London being brought before the chamberlain by his master for the sin of incontinency, even with his own mistress, the chamberlain thereupon gave him many christian exhortations; and at last he mentioned and pressed the chastity of Joseph, when his mistress tempted him with the like crime of incontinency. "Ay, Sir," said the apprentice; "but if Joseph's mistress had been as handsome as mine is, he could not have forborne."

72. Bias gave in precept, "Love as if you should hereafter hate; and hate as if you should hereafter love."

73. Cineas was an excellent orator and statesman, and principal friend and counsellor to Pyrrhus; and

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

we

falling in inward talk with him, and discerning the king's endless ambition; Pyrrhus opened himself unto him, that he intended first a war upon Italy, and hoped to achieve it: Cineas asked him, "Sir, what will you do then ?"" Then," saith he, will attempt Sicily." Cineas said, "Well, Sir, what then?" Said Pyrrhus, "If the gods favour us, we may conquer Africa and Carthage." "What then, Sir?" saith Cineas. Nay, then," saith Pyrrhus, "we may take our rest, and sacrifice and feast every day, and make merry with our friends." "Alas, Sir," said Cineas," may we not do so now without all this ado?"

66

74. Lamia the courtezan had all power with Demetrius king of Macedon, and by her instigations he did many unjust and cruel acts; whereupon Lysimachus said, "that it was the first time that ever he knew a whore play in a tragedy."

75. One of the Romans said to his friend, "What think you of one who was taken in the act and manner of adultery ?" The other answered, "Marry, I think he was slow at despatch."

76. Epaminondas, when his great friend and colleague in war was suitor to him to pardon an offender, denied him; afterwards, when a concubine of his made the same suit, he granted it to her; which when Pelopidas seemed to take unkindly, he said, "Such suits are to be granted to whores, but not to personages of worth."

77. Thales being asked when a man should marry, said; " Young men not yet, old men not

at all."

78. A company of scholars going together to catch conies, carried one scholar with them, which had not much more wit than he was born with; and to him they gave in charge, that if he saw any, he should be silent, for fear of scaring them. But he no sooner espied a company of rabbits, before the rest, but he cried aloud, "Ecce multi cuniculi," which in English signifies, "Behold many conies;" which he had no sooner said, but the conies ran to their burrows: and he being checked by them for it, answered, "Who the devil would have thought that the rabbits understood Latin?"

79. A Welchman being at a sessions-house, and seeing the prisoners hold up hands at the bar, related to some of his acquaintance there," that the judges were good fortune-tellers; for if they did but look upon their hands, they could certainly tell whether they should live or die."

80. Solon compared the people unto the sea, and orators and counsellors to the winds: for that the sea would be calm and quiet, if the winds did not trouble it.

81. Socrates was pronounced by the oracle of Delphos to be the wisest man of Greece, which he would put from himself ironically, saying, "there would be nothing in him to verify the oracle, except this; that he was not wise, and knew it; and others were not wise, and knew it not."

82. Socrates, when there was showed him the book of Heraclitus the obscure, and was asked his opinion of it, answered; "Those things which I understood were excellent, I imagine so were those

I understood not; but they require a diver of | place in the very bowing of the vaults of churches, Delos." that look as if they held up the church, but are but puppets."

83. Bion asked an envious man that was very sad, “what harm had befallen unto him, or what good had befallen unto another man ?"

84. Stilpo the philosopher, when the people flocked about him, and that one said to him, "The people come wondering about you as if it were to see some strange beast!" "No," saith he, "it is to see a man which Diogenes sought with his lanthorn at noon-day."

85. A man being very jealous of his wife, insomuch that which way soever she went, he would be prying at her heels; and she being so grieved thereat, in plain terms told him, "that if he did not for the future leave off his proceedings in that nature she would graft such a pair of horns upon his head, that should hinder him from coming out of any door in the house."

:

86. A citizen of London passing the streets very hastily, came at last where some stop was made by carts; and some gentlemen talking together, who knew him where being in some passion that he could not suddenly pass, one of them in this wise spoke unto him; "that others had passed by, and there was room enough, only they could not tell whether their horns were so wide as his."

87. A tinker passing Cheapside with his usual tone, "Have you any work for a tinker?" an apprentice standing at a door opposite to a pillory there set up, called the tinker, with an intent to put a jest upon him, and told him, "that he should do very well if he would stop those two holes in the pillory;" to which the tinker answered, "that if he would put in his head and ears a while in that pillory, he would bestow both brass and nails upon him to hold him in, and give him his labour into the bargain."

88. A young maid having married an old man, was observed on the day of marriage to be somewhat moody, as if she had eaten a dish of chums, which one of her bridemen observing, bid her be cheery; and told her moreover, “ that an old horse | would hold out as long, and as well as a young one, in travel." To which she answered, stroking down her belly with her hand, "But not in this road, Sir." 89. There was in Oxford a cowardly fellow that was a very good archer; he was abused grossly by another, and moaned himself to Sir Walter Raleigh, then a scholar, and asked his advice, what he should do to repair the wrong had been offered him; Raleigh answered, "Why, challenge him at a match of shooting."

[ocr errors]

92. A nobleman of this nation, famously known for his mad tricks, on a time having taken physic, which he perceiving that it began well to work, called up his man to go for a chirurgeon presently, and to bring his instruments with him. The chirurgeon comes in all speed; to whom my lord related, that he found himself much addicted to women, and therefore it was his will, that the cause of it might be taken away, and therefore commanded him forthwith to prepare his instruments ready for to geld him: so the chirurgeon forthwith prepares accordingly, and my lord told him that he would not see it done, and that therefore he should do his work the back way: so, both parties being contented, my lord makes ready, and holds up his a-; and when he perceives the chirurgeon very near him, he lets fly full in his face; which made the chirurgeon step back, but coming presently on again, "Hold, hold," saith my lord, "I will better consider of it, for I see the retentive faculty is very weak at the approach of such keen instruments."

93. There was a cursed page that his master whipt naked, and when he had been whipt, would not put on his clothes: and when his master bade him, said, " Take them you, for they are the hangman's fees."

94. There was a lady of the west country, that gave great entertainment at her house to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabouts, and amongst others Sir Walter Raleigh was one. This lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, "Are the pigs served ?" Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was fast by the lady's, so as he heard her: a little before dinner, the lady came down in great state into the great chamber, which was full of gentlemen: and as soon as Sir Walter Raleigh set eye upon her," Madam," saith he, are the pigs served?" The lady answered, "You know best whether you have had your breakfast."

66

95. There were fishermen drawing the river at Chelsea: Mr. Bacon came thither by chance in the afternoon, and offered to buy their draught: they were willing. He asked them what they would take? They asked thirty shillings. Mr. Bacon offered them ten. They refused it. Why then, saith Mr. Bacon, I will be only a looker on. They drew, and catched nothing. Saith Mr. Bacon, Are not you mad fellows now, that might have had an angel in your purse, to have made merry withal, and to have warmed you throughly, and now you must go home with nothing. Ay but, saith the fishermen, we had hope then to make a better gain of it. Saith Mr. Bacon, "Well, my master, then I will tell you, hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper."

90. Whitehead, a grave divine, was much esteemed by queen Elizabeth, but not preferred, because he was against the government of bishops; he was of a blunt stoical nature: he came one day to the queen, and the queen happened to say to him, "I like thee the better, Whitehead, because thou livest unmarried." He answered, "In troth, Madam, I like you the worse for the same cause." 91. Dr. Laud said, "that some hypocrites and seeming mortified men, that held down their heads like bulrushes, were like the little images that they "Theirs." Then she asked him, If those fields

[ocr errors]

96. A lady walking with Mr. Bacon in Gray's Inn walks, asked him, Whose that piece of ground lying next under the walls was?

He answered,

« ForrigeFortsæt »