by the Spirit showing me that I was loved with an everlasting love, and that with loving-kindness he had drawn me; I say when this was the case, I thought with the psalmist, that my mountain stood strong, and that I should never be moved. I could make use of the ordinances of God, and feel great pleasure in attending on them, and oftentimes wondered to see such coldness and indifference in old pilgrims. Such was the working of pride and fleshly zeal, that I was ready to say, "Stand by, I am holier than thou." I knew very little, if anything, of the dreadful presumption, hypocrisy, deceitfulness, and desperate wickedness of my nature. I almost concluded that I should never experience such trouble as others talked of, who had been travellers in the wilderness for years; so ignorant was I. I knew nothing about the trial of faith, the furnace in Zion, the fiery trials, the wilderness dispensations, the dark and gloomy nights of desertion, the winds and storms of temptation, the fiery darts of the devil. But, alas! night came on; for he "maketh darkness, and it is night; wherein all the beasts of the forest do creep forth." (Ps. civ. 20.) "The Lord hid himself, and I was troubled." Thus, the Holy Ghost, speaking by the prophet, says, concerning the church, "I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness;" and Christ says, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me." He was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil; and although there is so much noise and bustle amongst professors, and so much ado about following the meek and lowly Jesus, few know what it is to tread in his footsteps; for to follow him through evil as well as good report, I find, requires nothing short of an almighty power put forth from time to time in drawing me. "Draw me, and I will run after thee," is the language of the church of old; and there is no following Christ without this drawing. "As many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God." "Thou shalt remember all the way the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee and to prove thee, (to teach thee,) to know what was in thy heart." (Deut. viii. 2.)

Thus you see, my fellow-travellers in tribulation, there is a wilderness to pass through in order to arrive at the heavenly Canaan. This great and terrible wilderness has been a wilderness indeed to me for these last four or five years; how has my soul been tossed up and down in it. Sometimes I have enjoyed a little comfort and a little light, but it was soon overshadowed with great darkness; and here in this wilderness have I learnt some small degree of the plague of my dreadfully wicked heart; here, in this desert land of drought, has the fountain of the great deep within been broken up; here have the monsters shown their heads, peevishness, forgetfulness, murmurings, rebellions, &c., at God, both in providence and grace; my corruptions, like giants, defying all my feeble powers, and my poor soul, like a ship in the midst of a boisterous ocean, without compass, sail, or rigging, ready to sink in wild despair; and, like one of old, ready to think my hope and strength entirely perished; the devil continually throwing his fiery darts, "Where is now thy God?" the roaring

lion of hell shouting aloud, "Thou art nothing but a hypocrite, a deceiver, and being deceived; God the Father never chose thee; Jesus Christ never died for thee; the Holy Ghost never quickened thee; thou wast never called by grace; thy religion, convictions, joys, sorrows, all are but natural and fleshly, and will end as such, and I shall have thee after all; thou hadst better give it up altogether;" and unbelief is ready to sanction every word of the lying devil. Then I have looked backward and forward, on the right hand and on the left, like Job, for evidence, but could find none; the Bible sealed up; the ordinances of God's house dry breasts; prayer, hearing, reading a very heavy task; neither sun nor stars appearing, so that all hopes of being saved seem taken away; God hiding himself, for with clouds he covereth the light, and commandeth it not to shine by the cloud that cometh betwixt. (Job xxxvi. 32.) Satan accusing, professors despising, the world alluring or contemning, the heart plaguing, corruptions annoying, Providence frowning, and poverty staring me in the face, have often sunk me down so low, that nothing but the arm of Omnipotence could lift me up. But, blessed be the name of the Lord for ever; he hath delivered me, he doth deliver me, and he is the same, and will deliver, not only in six, but in seven troubles also.

A few months ago, I was sunk very low in my feelings, as it respects my eternal destiny; afflicted in body, and, to all appearance, near dissolution, when a person reading by my bedside the 561st hymn of Mr. Gadsby's selection, I saw Jesus the eternal Conqueror go forth, and tread down my enemies, and the whole church's too, with such a vehemency of love and power, that I was filled in a moment. I forgot all troubles from all quarters; Christ was truly precious. Thus I was mounted up in love and joy, but was soon brought down again to the depth, to be led about a little further in the wilderness; and when the Lord is pleased to withdraw his gracious presence, which only makes a paradise, I find it still a wilderness. May the Lord cheer the hearts of his people while passing through it, so prays,

Sutton Benjer.

A SMOKING FLAX.

THE WALK OF THE REDEEMED.

ISAIAH XXXv. 9.

"The words of the Lord are pure words; as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times."-Ps. xii. 6.

"A word spoken in due season, how good is it!" And again, "Man (regenerate man) doth not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God."

It has been my privilege to peruse the Gospel Standard from its commencement, and as the Lord has been pleased to instruct, and encourage, and refresh my soul often while reading its pages, I hope and pray that he will provide living witnesses, and incline their minds to come forth from time to time with such matter as he will own and

H

bless. As the Lord, in his tender mercy and long-suffering kindness, for several years has condescended to teach me some of the wonderful things contained in his law of love, and at this time, I trust, is still blessing me with his Spirit's teaching, under a daily sense of my total helplessness, so that though he makes me to rejoice in him, it is with trembling, I feel a desire to tell, for the encouragement of others, some little of his goodness to me, and to say, "Trust in him at all times, ye people; pour out your hearts before him. God is a refuge for us.'

66

I was brought up to hear and read the word of God, and I believed in the doctrine of election. Sometimes I was diligent in attendance on the means, thinking that if I were chosen, God would make it known to me; and at other times I neglected it, believing that if I were not, the more I heard and read, the greater would be my condemnation. However, the first words of the Lord that came home to me with power were; Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." (Luke xii. 32.) As I heard the words read for a text, the Lord was pleased to give me a sense of his unchangeableness, and I saw that if I were not of this flock, everlasting misery, without mitigation or end, must be my portion. I was struck, as it were, to the ground, and so overcome that I did not remember a word besides the text. I hastened home, not knowing what I did, and I cried out, "Lord have mercy on me; show me if I am thine, and if I am, show me what thou wilt have me to do." This was the first time, I believe, that ever I prayed, and I believe it was the blessed Spirit's work, though I did not know it then. I had an opportunity of hearing the gospel preached four times a week, and often, while hearing it, I was led to hope the Lord had begun his work on my soul; but I seldom had hope or peace except when hearing it, and what little I had was soon dashed to the ground. The company of carnal friends engaged my affections, and when I got alone, I found that I had not only lost my hope, but seemed farther from the kingdom than ever. The enemy told me that I had sinned against light and knowledge, and turned my back on the Lord, and that it would have been better for me never to have made a profession or sought him at all; for as I had rejoiced under the word in hopes that I was a partaker of grace, I had fulfilled the proverb; "The dog is turned to his vomit again." O how he hunted up Scripture to condemn me, and my conscience said Amen to it all! yet I could not help calling on the Lord, telling him I knew that I had sinned against his manifest goodness, and that if salvation depended on even a good thought, I had it not, and beseeching him to have mercy on me, if it was consistent in any way with his justice. There was no sign of hope for more than a month, and the enemy distressed me sorely with his suggestions that I should lose my senses and destroy myself, and my body sunk under the weight of it. I could not open my mouth to tell any one what I felt, although I was with the children of God. Surely nothing less than the everlasting arms underneath can support in such circumstances. I still went to hear, but did not receive the least light on my path; and so much

did my body and mind sink under it, that I believed I should soon lie down to awake in hell. I awoke early one morning with these words on my mind; "Kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation." (1 Pet. i. 5.) I did not know they were Scripture, but they described well what I wanted, and followed me all the day. I was constrained to plead with the Lord, and not without a little hope. It was preaching night, and I went to chapel, though I was scarcely able to go, through weakness; but I could never stay away, and now the set time to favour Zion was come. The text was; The Lord is my light and my salvation," &c.; (Ps. xxvii. 1;) and O how the Lord shone into my soul with these words! My darkness, distress, and fears were gone, and so were my guilt and condemnation; and I said, "Lord, can this be true? I, such an abuser of thy grace and mercy? O suffer me not to be deceived, or sin against thy grace and fall away!" Then came the first text; "Kept by the power of God," &c. O how my soul went out to the Lord for making known his everlasting love to one so low, so vile as I! I went like a captive in chains, and I came home like a bird escaped from the snare of the fowler. I begged of the Lord to take me, that I might not forget or deny him again; and he keeps me alive to this day, learning more and more the meaning of the word, "Kept by the power of God," &c. For several years after this, the Lord was pleased to grant me many sweet manifestations of his everlasting love, and many clear answers to prayer, sometimes in heavy sickness and very distressing circumstances. But the Lord says, My people shall be satisfied with my goodness." (Jer. xxxi. 14.) I found such satisfaction in his favour, that I used to beg of him to make everything short of himself a desert of thorns and briers to me.

poet;

I can say with the

""Twas he who taught me thus to pray,

And he, I trust, has answered prayer.'

Now although I had this good hope through grace, I could not use great plainness of speech, and when in company with those who could, my envy and jealousy has been so roused, that I have often let it out to my own confusion. The 11th verse of the 2nd chapter of Isaiah was continually running in my mind, and Deut. xxxii. 15 condemned me, and that for years. Although I was consistent in my outward conduct and attendance on the means, and tried to make a fair show in the flesh, and, as far as I had ability, ministered to the wants of God's poor, yet in all this I could not say the love of Christ constrained me. I had now another word in my ears; "Behold, his soul, which is lifted up, is not upright in him;" (Hab. ii. 4;) and the more I read and heard of uprightness, the more the blessed Spirit convinced me of my hypocrisy. I have often prayed in the words of Erskine, I flee from thee; Lord, bring me back in tender love, or by the rod;" but I dreaded the rod; I always loved ease. There was a snare laid for me which I easily fell into, and if the Lord had not stopped me, I should have joined with an enemy to godliness, and perhaps have turned my back on even a profession. O! when I look back on this circumstance, and remember the horrid rebellion

and presumption I was then giving way to, and that the Lord, in his mercy, should ever have discovered such unbounded love as he has since shown to me, I would say to his praise, he shows me that there is more in being “kept by his power through faith" than can ever be understood without the experimental teaching of God the Holy Spirit; and though the flesh dislike the way, yet, as I have heard Mr. Gadsby say, (for I have often been blessed of late years under his ministry when he has visited London,) there is a solemn vitality in these things, that while they strip, they in the end satisfy a really hungry soul; but I did not understand that then. I wanted to do something, to be something, and to have something to be satisfied with, but not to take up a cross daily, depending on a once crucified and now exalted Saviour. The Lord was pleased to stop me in my purpose, and to hide his face; his hand was against me in providence, my backslidings reproved me, my wickedness corrected me, and I found it was indeed an evil and bitter thing to sin against a covenant God. To his praise I can say, though the enemy often tempted me to give up my hope, yet the Lord kept it alive; and though I cannot limit the Lord in his work, or set up my experience as a standard, yet I declare I always find in deep exercises and under the horrid turnings up of nature's depravity, which I feel myself the subject of, that if the Lord keeps alive a sense of his covenant relationship and fatherly forbearance, it works more hatred of self and godly sorrow for sin, more real humility and desire to live in the fear of God all the day, than ever I felt in casting away my confidence. I consider that the Lord favoured me at that time with the confidence of faith, as he has often done since, while very far from the joys of it; and I think there is a great distinction to be made in this, which in our childish days we do not understand. I knew that the work of Christ for his people was a finished work, and was satisfied of my personal interest in it, but I believed I should go with broken bones to the end, and have told the Lord to make me anything, and do anything he pleased with me, so that he did not leave me to myself and my own ways; but the Lord knew I was a hypocrite in this, for I wanted to rest in these confessions, and, as I thought, humility. But, bless his precious name, he says, "I will purely purge away thy dross, and take away thy tin, and then shalt thou offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness." At that time

a situation occurred which I was very reluctant to fill, and I begged earnestly of the Lord, if it was his will, that he would open some other door, but I had these words applied with power; "Whosoever loveth his own life more than me is not worthy of me. Take up thy cross and follow me; for without me ye can do nothing." Again; The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me;" and I was enabled to plead, in the words of the psalmist, "Forsake not the work of thine own hands." As soon as I got into my place, I had these words applied; "The Holy Spirit witnesseth that in every place afflictions abide me." I could not say as Paul, "None of these things move me;" for sickness weakened my body, and I had no such nearness of access to my God as in times past. I prayed,