many and great mistakes, and very | I could not satisfy my mind about ignorant in many important points. it. I was convinced some internal I knew sin to be the transgression change must be implied in the exof the divine law; but I did not pressions "born again," and "born perceive its odious deformity, as of the Spirit ;" and, according to deliberate rebellion against God's what I had experienced, I endeasovereign authority, and an express voured to explain it; but I was still contradiction to his holy nature; as very confused in my views of that charging God foolishly, with the important subject, and had many want of either wisdom or goodness, doubts whether I were right or in laying such restraints upon the wrong in what I advanced. inclinations of his creatures; and Hitherto, excepting Leland" On as tending to overturn all subordi- the Deistical Writers," I had not nation in the universe, and to intro-read any book written by a Dissenter duce anarchy, confusion, and misery with the least degree of candour into the whole creation. I had and attention; but at this crisis I discovered that my best actions were met with the first volume of Dr. defiled; but I understood not that Evans' sermons, entitled "The this was the effect of a depraved Christian Temper." I was induced nature, and a polluted heart. The to read it by the recommendation of doctrine of Original Sin, as the a friend; but (such was my proud fruitful root of these multiplied foolish heart!) I opened it with evils, was as yet no part of my creed. great prejudice, because I underInconsistently, I was an Arian, or a stood that the author was a Dissenter. Clarkist, in my sentiments concern- However, this book came with a ing the person of Christ and the blessing: for, by perusing it, I at divinity of the Holy Ghost. Some length perceived that fallen man, faint conception I had formed of both body and soul, is indeed carnal the sanctifying work of the Holy and sold under sin; that by nature, Spirit in the soul: the beginnings in every man living, the reasonable of it I little understood: and I con- and immortal part is destitute of tinued to entertain an implacable spirituality, immersed in matter, enmity to the doctrine of election, and, by a dishonourable and miserand the truths more intimately con-able prostitution, given up "to make nected with it. But my faith was provision for the flesh, to fulfil the now fixed upon a crucified Saviour lust thereof;" and that man must (though I dishonoured his person be renewed in the spirit of his mind, and denied his Deity), and I had a new created unto good works, born sincere desire of being devoted to of the Spirit of God, made partaker the Lord. He therefore in mercy of a new and divine nature, before accepted his own work in my heart, he can possibly be made meet for, and pardoned all that was mine; or admitted into the kingdom of and at length extricated me from God. In a very little time all my that labyrinth of perplexities and difficulties about this matter vanishinconsistencies in which I was en-ed, and the truth became so extangled. ceedingly plain and evident, that, About this time, in the course of until I had made the experiment, I my lectures, our Lord's discourse could scarcely be persuaded, but with Nicodemus came again under that every person who heard it my consideration. Notwithstanding rightly explained, must assent to much meditation and many prayers, it. This doctrine I have ever since

invariably preached, with good I had indeed set out with the avowed, effect, I trust," in opening the eyes and I trust sincere, resolution of of sinners, and turning them from seeking the truth as impartially as darkness to light, and from the power possible; and of embracing it wherof Satan unto God." Acts xxvi. 28. ever I might find it, without respect When I had made this little pro- to interest, reputation, or any worldly gress in seeking the truth, my ac- consideration whatever. I had taken quaintance with Mr. Newton was patiently, and sustained comfortresumed. From the conclusion of ably, the loss of my opening prosour correspondence in December, pect of preferment, I trust mainly 1775, till April, 1777, it had been from the supports of grace, and the almost wholly dropped. To speak consciousness of having acted with plainly, I did not care for his com- integrity; yet I am not sure but my pany; I did not mean to make any deceitful heart might also derive use of him as an instructor; and I some support from a vain imaginawas unwilling the world should tion that my character would be no think us in any way connected. loser. Ambitious thirst after the But under discouraging circum- praise of men was much more my stances, I had occasion to call upon peculiar corruption than covetoushim; and his discourse so comforted ness; and I had been in no ordinary and edified me, that my heart, being degree proud of my natural underby his means relieved from its bur- standing. I had been accustomed den, became susceptible of affection to hear the people called Methodists for him. From that time I was mentioned with contempt, as ignoinwardly pleased to have him for rant and deluded, as fools, and somemy friend, though not as now re- times as madmen; and that with no joiced to call him so. I had, how-small degree of complacency and ever, even at that time, no thoughts self-preference, I too had despised of learning doctrinal truth from him, them as weak enthusiasts. But I and was ashamed to be detected in now began to be apprehensive that his company: but I sometimes stole the tables were about to be turned away to spend an hour with him. upon me. If I professed and taught About the same period, I once these doctrines, I must no longer heard him preach; but still it was be considered as a man of sober foolishness to me, his sermon being understanding, but as one of those principally upon the believer's ex-persons whose heads, being natuperience, in some particulars with rally weak, had been turned by which I was unacquainted: so that religious studies; and who, having though I loved and valued him, I fallen under the power of enthuconsidered him as a person misled siasm, had become no better than by enthusiastical notions, and strenu- fools or madmen.

ously insisted that we should never This was the sharpest trial I think alike till we met in heaven. passed through; for I had not yet All along in the progress of this learned, that "when we are reinquiry, I grew more and more con-proached for the name of Christ, cerned about my character. I saw happy are we." Nor did I rememmyself continually verging nearer ber, with due consideration of the and nearer to that scheme of doc- reasons assignable for so extraorditrine which the world calls Metho- nary a circumstance, that the aposdism; nor could I help it without tles were "fools for Christ's sake;" doing violence to my convictions. were deemed "beside themselves;"

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and "went through evil report and my proud heart, my character, in good report, as deceivers, and yet such imminent danger. true;" that they were" every where It must be supposed that this spoken against," as "the men that apprehension would make me cauturned the world upside down ;" tious what doctrines I admitted into were treated as "vain babblers," my creed, and unwilling to be conand "accounted the filth of the vinced that those things were true world, and the offscouring of all and important, the profession of things." I did not consider that which was sure to bring infamy on Jesus himself, "the brightness of my character; and that even after the Father's glory," the " Word and the fullest conviction, I should thus Wisdom of God," who "went about be rendered very careful in what doing good," and "spake as never manner I preached them. In geneman spake," was not only rejected, ral, however, though the conflict but despised as not worth hearing, was sharp, I was enabled to be as "one that had a devil," as in faithful. The words, "Necessity league with the devil, as "a blas-is laid upon me; yea, woe is me if phemer,' "" a Samaritan," a mad- I preach not the gospel," were man," yea, a devil." I read, commonly upon my mind when I indeed, but my understanding was penned my sermon, and when I not yet opened to understand such entered the pulpit; and though, plain scriptures as these: "If ye when a bold declaration of what I were of the world, the world would believed to be the truth, with an love his own; but because ye are offensive application of it to the not of the world, but I have chosen consciences of my hearers, drew you out of the world, therefore the opposition and calumny upon me, I world hateth you. Remember the have secretly resolved to be more word that I said unto you: The circumspect the next time; yet, servant is not greater than his Lord; when that time came, my heart and if they have persecuted me, they conscience being both engaged, I will also persecute you." (John, dared not to conceal one tittle of XV. 19, 20.) "The disciple is not what appeared to me to be true, and above his master, nor the servant to promise usefulness. But while, above his Lord. If they have called with perturbation of mind, and with the Master of the house Beelzebub, many disquieting apprehensions, I how much more shall they call them declared the message with which I of the household ?" (Matth. x. 24, supposed myself to be intrusted; 25.) "Blessed are ye when men to screen myself from the charge of shall revile you, and persecute you, Methodism, and to soften the offence, and shall say all manner of evil I was frequently throwing out against you falsely for my sake. slighting expressions, and bringing Rejoice, and be exceeding glad, for the charge of enthusiasm against great is your reward in heaven; for those who preached such doctrines so persecuted they the prophets that as I was not yet convinced of. On were before you." (Matth. v. 11, the other hand, my concern about 12.) Not being aware of these con- my character quickened me very sequences when my resolution was much in prayer, and increased my first formed, I was as one who has diligence in searching the Scripbegun to build without counting the tures, that I might be sure I was cost; and was greatly disturbed not, at this expense, preaching when I saw the favourite idol of cunningly devised fables," instead

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of feeding the souls committed to that there was no Holy Ghost, as my care with the unadulterated that he was not present with my milk of evangelical truth. soul when I read this passage, and

In this state of mind, which is the whole of what Mr. Venn has more easily understood by experi- written upon the subject. It came ence than description, I met with to my heart with such evidence, Mr. Venn's Essay on the Prophecy conviction, and demonstration, that of Zecharias (Luke, i. 67-79). Iit lifted me up above the world, was no stranger to the character and produced that victory which he bore in the eyes of the world, faith alone can give, and that liberty and did not begin to read this book which uniformly attends the prewith great alacrity or expectation: sence of the Spirit of the Lord. I however, the interesting subjects became at once ashamed of my base treated of engaged my attention, ingratitude and foolish fears, and and I read it with great seriousness, was filled with such consolation and and some degree of impartiality. I rejoicing, even in the prospect of disapproved indeed of many things; sacrificing my character, and runbut the truth and importance of ning the risk of infamy and conothers brought conviction both to tempt, as made me entirely satisfied my understanding and conscience on that head: and, some few seasons especially, I found a word in season, of unbelief excepted, I have never respecting my foolish and wicked since been much troubled about shame and attention to character, being called an Enthusiast or a in inquiring after divine truth, and Methodist.

in the performance of the important But while I was thus delivered duties of a gospel-minister. These from the dread of unmerited resolemn words in particular came proaches, I continued as much as home to my heart: " If the spirit ever afraid of real enthusiasm; nay, of the world, pride, carelessness I became continually more and more respecting the soul, and neglect of averse to every thing which can Christ, be not hateful to God and justly bear that name: so that the destructive to men, the gospel (with nearer I verged to what I had ignoreverence I speak it) is an impo- rantly supposed to be enthusiastical, sition. Do you abhor that thought the more apprehensive I was, lest as blasphemy? Abhor as much a my earnestness in such interesting fawning upon Christ from year to inquiries, and the warmth of my year in your closet, calling him natural spirits, thus occasionally there your Lord and God, and then increased, should put me off my coming out to consult the world guard, and betray me into delusions how far they will allow you to obey and mistakes. From this danger I his plain commands, without saying could, however, obtain no security, you are a Methodist. Cease rather but by keeping close to the study to profess any allegiance to Christ, of the word of God; and by being than treat him, under professions earnest and particular in praying of duty, with such contempt. I to be preserved from error, and to would,' said he to the church of be enabled to distinguish between Laodicea, thou wert cold or hot;' the pure revelations of the Holy but because thou art lukewarm, Spirit contained in Scripture, and and neither cold nor hot, I will spue the inventions of men, the imaginathee out of my mouth."" (Page 85.) tions of my own heart, or the deluI should as easily be convinced sions of the spirit of lies.

The Doctrine of a Trinity of co- to be taught by him in other matequal persons in the Unity of the ters: yet, in this respect, finding Godhead had been hitherto no part his opinion the same which in all of my creed. I had long been former ages of the Church hath accustomed to despise this great been accounted orthodox, while that mystery of godliness. I had first which I held had always been quarrelled with the articles of the branded as heretical; my fears of established Church about this doc- a mistake were thus exceedingly trine: I had been very decided and increased. In this perplexity I open in my declarations against it; applied to the Lord, and frequently and my unhumbled reason still re- besought him to lead me to a settled tained many objections to it. But conclusion what was the truth in about June, 1777, I began to be this important subject. After much troubled with doubts about my own meditation, together with a careful sentiments, and to suspect the truth examination of all the Scriptures of Dr. Clarke's hypothesis. I had which I then understood to relate just read Mr. Lindsey's Apology and to it, accompanied with earnest Sequel.-Before I saw these tracts, prayer for divine teaching, I was at I had even ridiculed those who length constrained to renounce, as thought of confuting him on the utterly indefensible, all my former orthodox scheme, and was not without sentiments, and to accede to that thoughts of maintaining Dr.Clarke's doctrine which I had so long desystem against him. But when I spised. I saw, and I could no understood that he claimed Dr. longer help seeing, that the offices Clarke as a Socinian, I was ex- and works, attributed in Scripture tremely surprised, and, in conse- to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, quence, was led again to a more are such as none but the infinite serious and anxious consideration God could perform: that it is a of the subject. Yet, the more I contradiction to believe the real, studied, the more I was dissatisfied. and consequently infinite, satisfacMany things now first occurred to tion to divine justice made by the me as strong objections against my death of Christ, without believing own sentiments; and, being thus him to be "very God of very God:" perplexed, and unable to form a nor could the Holy Ghost give scheme for myself, I easily per- spiritual life, and dwell in the hearts ceived that I was not qualified to of all believers at the same time, to dispute with another person. My adapt his work of convincing, enpride and my convictions struggled lightening, teaching, strengthening, hard for the victory: I was very sanctifying, and comforting to the unwilling to become a Trinita- several cases of every individual, rian in the strict sense of the word, were he not the omniscient, omniprethough, in my own sense, I had for sent, infinite God. Being likewise some time pretended to be one; certain, from reason as well as from and yet the more I considered it, Scripture, that there is not, and the more I was dissatisfied with all cannot be more Gods than one; I other systems. My esteem for Mr. was driven from my reasonings, and Newton was also now very much constrained to submit my underincreased; and though I had hitherto standing to divine revelation; and, concealed this part of my sentiments allowing that the incomprehensible from him, yet I knew his to be very God alone can fully know the undifferent. I was not indeed willing searchable mysteries of his own