sure to bring infamy on my character: and that even after the fullest conviction, I should thus be rendered very careful in what manner I preached them. In general, however, though the conflict was sharp, I was enabled to be faithful. The words "Necessity "is laid upon me; yea, woe is me if I preach not "the gospel," were commonly upon my mind when I wrote my sermon, and when I entered the pulpit: and though, when a bold declaration of what I believed to be the truth, with an offensive application of it to the consciences of my hearers, drew opposition and calumny upon me, I have secretly resolved to be more circumspect the next time; yet, when that time came, my heart and conscience being both engaged, I dared not to conceal one tittle of what appeared to me to be true, and to promise usefulness. But while, with perturbation of mind, and with many disquieting apprehensions, I declared the message with which I supposed myself to be entrusted; to screen myself from the charge of Methodism and to soften the offence, I was frequently throwing out slighting expressions, and bringing the charge of enthusiasm, against those who preached such doctrines as I was not yet convinced of. On the other hand, my concern about my character quickened me very much in prayer, and increased my diligence in searching the Scriptures, that I might be sure I was not, at this expence, preaching "cunningly devised fables," instead of feeding the souls committed to my care with the unadulterated milk of evangelical truth.

In this state of mind, which is more easily understood by experience than description, I met with Mr.

Jenn's Essay on the Prophecy of Zacharias, (Luke i. 67-79.) I was no stranger to the character he bore in the world, and did not begin to read his book with great alacrity or expectation: however, the interesting subjects treated of engaged my attention, and I read it with great seriousness, and some degree of impartiality. I disapproved indeed of many things: but the truth and importance of others brought conviction both to my understanding and my conscience; especially I found a word in season, respecting my foolish and wicked shame and attention to character, in enquiring after divine truth, and in the performance of the important duties of a christian minister. These solemn words in particular came home to my heart. If the spirit of the world, pride, carelessness respecting the soul, and neglect of Christ, be not hateful to God and destructive to men, the gospel (with reverence I speak it) is an imposition. Do you abhor that thought as blasphemy? Abhor as * much a fawning upon Christ from year to year in 'your closet, calling him there your Lord and God, ⚫ and then coming out to consult the world, how far they will allow you to obey his plain commands, without saying you are a Methodist. Cease rather to profess any allegiance to Christ, than treat him, under professions of duty, with such contempt. "I would,” saith he to the church of Laodicea, "thou wert cold "or hot; so then because thou art lukewarm, and "neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my "mouth." (Page 85.)

I should as easily be convinced that there was no Holy Ghost, as that he was not present with my soul

when I read this passage, and the whole of what Mr. Venn has written upon the subject. It came to my heart with such evidence, conviction, and demonstration, that it lifted me up above the world, and produced that victory which faith alone can give, and that liberty which uniformly attends the presence of the Spirit of the Lord. I became at once ashained of my base ingratitude and foolish fears, and was filled with such consolation and rejoicing, even in the prospect of sacrificing my character, and running the risk of infamy and contempt, as made me entirely satisfied on that head; and, some few seasons of unbelief excepted, I have never since been much troubled about being called an Enthusiast or a Methodist.

But while I was thus delivered from the dread of unmerited reproaches, I continued as much as ever afraid of real enthusiasm; nay, I became continually more and more averse to every thing which can justly bear that name: so that the nearer I verged to what I had ignorantly supposed to be enthusiastical, the more apprehensive I was, lest my earnestness in such interesting enquiries, and the warmth of my natural spirit thus occasionally increased, should put me off my guard, and betray me into delusions and mistakes. From this danger I could however obtain no security, but by keeping close to the study of the word of God; and by being earnest and particular in praying to be preserved from error, and to be enabled to distinguish between the pure revelations of the Holy Spirit contained in Scripture, and the inventions of men, the imaginations of my own heart, or the delusions of the spirit of lies.

The Doctrine of a Trinity of coequal persons in the Unity of the Godhead had been hitherto no part of my creed. I had long been accustomed to despise this great mystery of godliness. I had first quarrelled with the articles of the established Church about this doctrine; I had been very decided and open in my declarations against it; and my unhumbled reason still retained many objections to it. But about June, 1777, I began to be troubled with doubts about my own sentiments, and to suspect the truth of Dr. Clarke's hypothesis. I had just read Mr. Lindsey's Apology and Sequel. Before I saw these tracts, I had even ridiculed those who thought of confuting him on the orthodox scheme, and was not without thoughts of maintaining Dr. Clarke's system against him. But when I understood that he claimed Dr. Clarke as a Socinian, I was extremely surprised, and in consequence, was led again to a most serious and anxious consideration of the subject. Yet the more I studied, the more I was dissatisfied. Many things now first occurred to me as strong objections against my own sentiments; and being thus perplexed, and unable to form a scheme for myself, I easily perceived that I was not qualified to dispute with another person. My pride and my convictions struggled hard for the victory: I was very unwilling to become a Trinitarian in the strict sense of the word, though in my own sense I had for some time pretended to be one; and yet the more I considered it the more I was dissatisfied with all other systems. My esteem for Mr. was also now very much increased; and though I had hitherto concealed this part of my sentiments from him, yet

I knew his to be very different. I was not indeed willing to be taught by him in other matters: yet in this respect, finding his opinion the same which in all former ages of the Church had been accounted orthodox, while that which I held had always been branded as heretical; my fears of a mistake were thus exceedingly increased. In this perplexity I applied to the Lord, and frequently besought him to lead me to a settled conclusion what was the truth in this important subject. After much meditation, together with a careful examination of all the Scriptures which I then understood to relate to it, accompanied with earnest prayer for divine teaching, I was at length constrained to renounce, as utterly indefensible, all my former sentiments, and to accede to that doctrine which I had so long despised. I saw, and I could no longer help seeing, that the offices and works attributed in Scripture to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, are such as none but the infinite God could perform: that it is a contradiction to believe the real, and consequently infinite, satisfaction to divine justice made by the death of Christ, without believing him to be very God of very God:' nor could the Holy Ghost give spiritual life, and dwell in the hearts of all believers at the same time, to adapt his work of convincing, enlightening, teaching, strengthening, sanctifying, and comforting, to the several cases of every individual, were he not the omniscient, omnipresent, infinite God. Being likewise certain, from reason as well as from Scripture, that there is not, and cannot be, morc Gods than one; I was driven from my reasonings, and constrained to submit my understanding to divine VOL. I.

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